The following conversation was overheard backstage

Postby Jennythenipper on 26 Jul 2007 01:57

The next morning in the hotel restaurant...

Trudie: So you caught Stewart with a groupie hanging off of him, then what did you do?

Fiona: Well I was all set to wallop him when I noticed that she was actually a man.

Trudie: No! Get out!

Fiona: I'm serious. She was a he.

Trudie: (snorting)Serves him right.

Fiona: That's what I thought. I realized that he was waiting for me to bail him out by playing the bitch wife.

Trudie: Typical. Honey, get rid of the groupies. Honey, fire the pregnant chef. Honey, have sex with me for seven hours, even though by my recogning it's more like seven minutes.

Fiona: Er...yes. Well, anyway, I decided that was exactly what he wanted so I decided to let him STEW in it for a bit.

Passerby: Groan!

Fiona: Shut up you. It's my story.

Passerby: Sorry.

Fiona: Quite all right. Where was I? Oh yes, Stewart was stewing and trouble was a brewing with his shemale who was definitely in heat.

Trudie: And??

Fiona: And I strolled up casually and asked if she/he wanted a threesome. It was at this point that Stewart passed out. I'm not sure if it was from the cocktails he'd been drinking. Who the hell ordered him sex on the beach anyway? Or from the shock perhaps. Or the fear. I was just about to phone the paramedics when Sting arrived and started arguing with her something about yoga pants.

Trudie: Really? And where was I? Who was I having tantric sex with if not him? I really must lay off the seven grains of rice and peyote dinners.

Fiona: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Trudie: Well what happened after Sting arrived.

Fiona: Stewart came to and started calling him a a cunt. The Shemale got spooked and ran off. I left Sting and Stewart in the lobby arguing about beats per minute, which is when I decided I need a meal and a tall gin.

Trudie: Oh you shouldn't drink gin, darling it's bad for your ...I don't know. What is gin bad for? I have it here somewhere in my notes.

Fiona: (lifting glass to waiter) I'll have another mimosa please!
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Postby jeffdaweasel on 26 Jul 2007 03:46

(meanwhile, at soundcheck)

[A helicopter circles an urban downtown area, landing in the center of a sports stadium. STING leaps dramatically from the back, his short hair ruffling in the downforce of the slowing rotor blades. He strides confidently toward the stage, where he is met by the TOUR MANAGER.]

STING: Ah, hello there, Tour Manager.

TOUR MANAGER: Hello, your Stingulency. I trust your helicopter ride was enjoyable.

STING: Well, at first I was thinking that flying a helicopter here when I'm staying at a five-star hotel only three blocks away was a bit extravagant, but then, I realized... I'm Sting!

[STING laughs heartily, and TOUR MANAGER joins him]

STING (stopping suddenly): What's so funny, Tour Manager?

TOUR MANAGER: Nothing. Nothing at all.

STING: So where are the other lads? I distinctly told them to be here at 4:15.

TOUR MANAGER: But you, yourself, didn't get here until 4:45.

STING: Which is precisely why I told them to be here promptly at 4:15. They can practice their instruments and go over the new arrangements and tempi while they await my arrival!

TOUR MANAGER: Good idea, your Majesting.

STING: Of course it's a good idea, Tour Manager.

TOUR MANAGER: You know, we've been out on the road together now for about three months. You can call me by my first name if you want. It's B-

STING: I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be becoming for me to socialize with the hired help. I'm sure you understand. Carry on, now, hoi polloi.

[A limo pulls up with ANDY and STEWART inside. The window rolls down and STEWART leans out, holding a digital video cam and panning around wildly.]

STEWART: Hey, Stingo!

STING (wincing): Could you not refer to me as 'Stingo', old friend?

STEWART (smiling): No problem, pal. I didn't realize it even bothered you, Sting...

STING (brightening): Why, thanks very-

STEWART: ... o!

STING (in Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen voice): I will kill you!

[POV STEWART's DV cam. STING dives through the window of limo and grapples with STEWART, while ANDY tries in vain to calm them down.]

ANDY: Boys! Lads! Settle down now!

STING and STEWART continue fighting, ignoring ANDY.

ANDY: Sting, if Stewart breaks a finger and can't play, we lose over five million in grosses tonight alone.

[Fight stops suddenly.]

STING: Righty-o, old chap.

STEWART: Sting! My best friend! What was I thinking?

STING: Can I get you a cup of tea, then?

STEWART: Don't mind if I do!

[They all exit limo, ANDY rolling his eyes]
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ROFLAFAO

Postby irishrose1969 on 26 Jul 2007 04:21

Oh jesus...I am on the freaking floor for christ sakes trying to breathe...
too funny.

Meanwhile back at the Ranch....Yoga pants and thong passerbys and shemales, tantric sex for hours, ect.

I have to clean the computer screen off now...cokeupmynoseitis.
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Postby Kalypso on 26 Jul 2007 06:32

Thongs.Bad.Idea. Always.
Especially for men who do yoga....Ouch!!!
:twisted:
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Postby kimmy on 26 Jul 2007 07:20

Look guys I need to go to work!!!

How can I if you keep writing!!!

It is so funny!!!

Well done......

MUCH BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER (who?)

Waiting for the next bit......

Kim

:lol:
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Postby visions on 26 Jul 2007 12:05

well done guys

encore!!!!

encore!!!
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Postby sandy on 26 Jul 2007 12:16

omg! this is great writing people! :lol: :lol: love it!! keep it going!! :D
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Postby animal on 26 Jul 2007 12:48

People with too much time on their hands. :lol: 8)

I love it, keep it going guys.
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Postby Jennythenipper on 26 Jul 2007 13:17

Three hours or so into the sound check...

Sting: Can you brighten my bass just a touch.

Soundboard guy #1, aka Phil: How's that?

Sting: Perfect. Now can you take it back just a notch.

Phil: You mean to where it was just a second ago?

Sting: Right.

Phil: You're the boss.

Sting: Bruce Springsteen is the Boss. I am merely Sting.

Phil: Sigh.

Sting: Right now which channel does my lute use.

Phil: Your what?

Sting: My lute. You know a stringed instrument with a fretted neck and a deep round back. (Thank you Wikipedia)

Soundboard Guy #2, aka Phaty: Oh fer fuck's sake!!!!! No lute!

Phil: Where the hell you been, phaty? I've been going back and forth on the same two levels for about I don't know three hours.

Phaty: What do ya fuckin' want, I'm here now.

Sting: Gentleman. Please will you see about adding a channel for my lute.

Andy and Stewart: No lute!!!

Roadie #1, Divemistress of the Dark: I quite liked the lute album.

Tour Manager: Back to work you. We're not paying you to give your opinion on Sting's solo career. Thos monitors aren't going to place themselves.

Stewart to Divemistress: Don't I know you from somewhere? Your green tube socks look familiar?

Divemistress: Nope. Must be confusing me with someone else. I get that a lot. (Continues lugging huge monitor across stage.)

Andy: (on cell phone) Miles, I distinctly said "pink" trainers. These are clearly fuschia. Fuschia is not pink. It is a vomitous color that is in no way
pink.

Sting: Can you brighten my mic, just a tad?

Phil: Like this?

Sting: Perfect. Now can you take it back just a notch.

Phil: You mean to where it was a few seconds ago?

Phaty: Oh fer fucks's sake. I'm outta here. I've got a date with a cellist.

Tour Manager: Where are you off to?

Phaty: get the fuck outta my way pencil neck.

Stewart to Andy: Who is that guy?

Andy: I don't know. But he's fantastic isn't he? I'm planning on hiring him to give me "fuck you" lessons. Soon I'll be assertive as the rest of you lot.

Stewart: And that will be the last day of the police.

Trudie: Darling, how much longer is this sound check going to last.

Sting: I don't know. It's only been going on for three minutes.

Trudie: Everyone knows you have the oddest sense of time. (To Tour Manager) How long will this soundcheck last?

Tour Manager: Until Sting has to retire to his dressing room for a 3 hour shower, which he claims is only three minutes, and about seventy five cups of honey and lemon.

Trudie: right so your wrapping it up?

Tour Manager: Sure in another hour or two....
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Postby TheEqualizer on 26 Jul 2007 16:44

Jenny, I think that was the best installment of the series :lol:
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Postby Jennythenipper on 26 Jul 2007 16:55

Thanks, Equalizer! That means a lot coming from you.

I wish I knew more about the technical aspects of touring. Eveything I know comes from reading the very amusing and informative riders on the Smoking Gun. The Iggy Pop rider is a work of art and I highly recommend it as reading for all music geeks.
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Postby Jennythenipper on 26 Jul 2007 17:00

I just thought of something amusing apropo of Eqqaulizer's screen name and sound checks. Wouldn't it be funny if there were sort of a vigalante super hero type who went around to gigs and did freelance sound checking. And if you didn't like his mix you would either have to lump it or get shot with a spistol fitted with a silencer. (That's the only thing I can really remember of the seriess, apart from Stewart's brilliant theme song, was that he seemed to shoot a lot of people with silencers.)
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Postby bella on 26 Jul 2007 17:05

Oh, I hope Stewart is reading this stuff!!

Hey, speaking of tour riders. Foo Fighters have tube socks on theirs, although they are only white, I think. And lots of "stinky cheese" for Dave! =)
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Postby Jennythenipper on 26 Jul 2007 17:06

I hadn't read that! That's awesome. They should ask for, nay DEMAND, stripes.
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Postby bella on 26 Jul 2007 17:09

[quote="Jennythenipper"]I hadn't read that! That's awesome. They should ask for, nay DEMAND, stripes.[/quote]

I agree!!
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