The following conversation was overheard backstage

Postby TheEqualizer on 13 Aug 2007 18:03

We're not going to let this legendary thread die out, are we???
There is no bigger gong.
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Postby Rusty James on 13 Aug 2007 19:45

Okay, so it's now up to page 11 and I just couldn't resist........

Sting: So what are you going to do with your huge gong after the tour is over?
Stewart: You did say “huge gong” right?
Sting: Yeah, I thought we might put it up for auction on ebay and make even more money.
Stewart: It’s my fucking gong and I’ll do with it whatever I damn well please.
Andy: How about we spray paint it red?
Stewart: Pffffff, not going to happen.
Sting: After the tour is over I’m going to appear on “The Singing Bee”.
Stewart: Good luck with that.
Andy: Don’t quit your day job and don’t fuck up the lyrics to any of our songs or else.
Sting: Or else what?
Stewart: Or else you’ll be dying your hair for Wrigley’s chewing gum again.
Sting: That one was completely out of my hands and besides that, Ridley Scott directed it so both of you can just sod off.
Stewart & Andy: (laughing hysterically)
Sting: Laugh it up, Ridley has already offered me a role in Alien 7.
Andy: The return of Ripley? I thought she was incinerated in part 3?
Stewart: She was. This time she IS the alien and her co-star is Sting.
Andy: So there’s tantric sex with Sigourney Weaver….er…um…I mean the alien?
Sting: You wish.
:shock:
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Postby smudge on 13 Aug 2007 20:49

Meanwhile, somewhere backstage at Twickenham (NB this makes no sense unless you read the last page or two of the 'We have made our mark' thread):
Sting: (Slight smirk, stretching gently with one foot behind his head) So Stewart, I understand that your 'Forum' people are all knackered middle aged saddos with bad feet and knees.
Stewart: Ah yes. The insole debate. Interesting. I actually asked the Royal Society of Podiatrists and Chiropodists (www.feetforlife.org) to look into this. The results are interesting.
Sting: (Bigger smirk, slightly raised eyebrow)
Stewart: There appear to be two contributory factors, when tested against a control group of Sting fans.
Sting: Yes. They're older, and do less yoga.
Stewart: Interestingly not. No. It appears that SC.net people have, on average, bounced up and down at gigs 50% more than your lot.
Sting: That's only one factor. The age or the yoga figure in here somewhere.
Stewart: No. It appears that SC.netters are also NICER than your lot. So they've all been wearing pink sneakers with no arch support, to cheer Andy up. A noble sacrifice I feel.
Sting: Pffttt. I may not have a forum, or a flag, but I can spot my fans from the radiating glow of health from their ageless faces.
Stewart: Yeah. And the St John's ambulance guys untangling their limbs. You know that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has statistics on this stuff (www.rospa.com). Your lot are prone to hyper-extension damage to ligaments, sprains, minor breaks AND because they are only bouncing up and down at half the rate of my lot (who actually GET polyrhythms), your female fans are 70% more likely to suffer from oesteoporosis in later life. And Andy - can you please get those Nike people to design something with arch support?
"You can't always do right, but you can always do what's left."
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Postby Kalypso on 13 Aug 2007 20:59

Andy: Stewart, I thought you were the Nike-sponsored member of the group since you're Nike-Clad from headband to sportshoes....
Anyway, I really thank your fans from the bottom of my tender heart for embracing my pink torture instruments. This is why I was insisting with Miles to have them, and to have them PINK. They are the only shoes my old feet can wear.

Stewart: Well, if you have a tender heart, how about if my heart is more tender than yours? Tube socks cause plantar fascitis, but if you go to www.footsmart.com, you will find all sort of remedy for this inconvenient and painful condition caused by MY fans support of tube socks.

Sting: Ahem..There is a continuous and irritating tendency to advertise products on your part, Stewart. Paiste, Tama, Nike, Footsmart...you are like a living billboard! Soooo American...only think of money, don't you.

Stewart: Oh yeah? Who advertised Jaguars with Desert Rose?

Sting: That was a classy ad for a luxury British product. "I" appeared in it, which is why people bought my record in droves. Besides, it was your brother's idea. Soooo American, only think of money, don't you all.

Stewart: Andy, could hold me please, I feel my fist is clenching and heading in a chiseled jaw's direction...

Andy: ME?? Don't get me into this or I will call the number for elder abuse!
"Loa-ded, and ready for a-ction! [wink]"
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Postby smudge on 13 Aug 2007 21:04

[quote="Kalypso"]
Andy: ME?? Don't get me into this or I will call the number for elder abuse![/quote]

OK, now we really need something where Andy comes out the hero. I'm starting to feel sorry for the guy.

But funny stuff Kalypso :D
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Postby Kalypso on 13 Aug 2007 21:07

Thanks, smudge!

Andy IS a hero! I mean, who would do the splits onstage in the painful shoes with a tight fitting jacket at 64? Only somebody with a superhuman ability for playing guitar and a godly sense of humor!!!
Ness, you should write a piece for Andee.....
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Postby smudge on 13 Aug 2007 21:09

[quote="Kalypso"]Thanks, smudge!

Andy IS a hero! I mean, who would do the splits onstage in the painful shoes with a tight fitting jacket at 64? Only somebody with a superhuman ability for playing guitar and a godly sense of humor!!!
Ness, you should write a piece for Andee.....[/quote]

Indeed. This thread may be turning into the world's only example of arch support fan fiction.

Go for it Ness :D
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Postby smudge on 13 Aug 2007 21:26

Bother. Kalypso, sorry for being useless - but how do you get a web link to show as a weblink in a posting?
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Postby Kalypso on 13 Aug 2007 21:37

"Loa-ded, and ready for a-ction! [wink]"
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Postby Lynne on 14 Aug 2007 17:15

[quote="smudge"]Indeed. This thread may be turning into the world's only example of arch support fan fiction.[/quote]

Thanks smudge and Kalypso! I'm glad we can turn our orthopedic frailties to some creative use!
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Postby Kalypso on 14 Aug 2007 17:19

You're welcome Ms. L...I was wondering if wearing tube socks are the reason of Stewart hobbling at some of the shows? Plantar fascitis?
I thought he had a back problem, which would not be surprising, given the energy he puts in his performances (jumping up and down the percussion stage included).
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Postby bella on 14 Aug 2007 20:04

Oh woe is me. Too funny people, too funny.
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Postby TheEqualizer on 22 Aug 2007 06:51

(patiently waiting a long overdue installment to help pass the time until the European leg of the tour starts)
There is no bigger gong.
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Postby TheEqualizer on 22 Aug 2007 16:23

At Spago in Beverly Hills, Stewart and Andy wait at a table for Sting to arrive.

[heard coming from the kitchen]
Sting: I don't care if he's Wolfgang Puck! No one else is to be in the kitchen except my chef or anyone certified from the Sting Macrobiotic Culinary Institute while I'm dining at a restaurant! [heads to the table]

Sting: Man, that was a great show last night.

Andy: Our last show was over two weeks ago.

Sting: Two weeks . . .?

Stewart: So what have you been doing in your time off?

Andy: Discovered Zappos.com. Reminds me. I need to leave here by 2:00. I'm expecting a delivery of some new pink trainers. What about you?

Stewart: Had a little event down in Hollywood for the release of my new CD.

Sting: I'm assuming the arrangements have been made to transfer my cut of the royalties to the treasurer of the Magic Stingdom?

Stewart: Actually, there are no songs on the disc by you. These are just songs I did outside of the Police.

Sting: You can write songs? I thought you just hit things with sticks? Next thing you'll be telling me that Andy writes his own music too.

Andy: Actually, I have about a dozen non-Police albums. Remember, I recently released one as well. I met with the Magic Stingdom Treasurer because I wanted to include Bring On the Night on it?

Sting: Wait a second. I remember playing some Klark Kent song live. Shouldn't I be getting some royalties for your CD because of that?

Stewart: It doesn't work that way.

Sting: Andy paid his fair respect to me.

Andy: [interrupting] So how was the event in Hollywood?

Stewart: It was great to see my fans. Some of them are a little psycho, but it was fun overall.

Sting: So have arrangements been made with the treasurer of the Magic Stingdom for my cut of this event?

Stewart: I didn't charge anything. It was just my fans. I just wanted to some them a little love for all their support.

Sting: Did you play anything?

Stewart: Nah, they brought out a drum set and I pumped the bass drums a bit and . .

Sting: Trudy!!! Bring me the contract! Those little bass pumps entitle me to a third of your income from the event.

Stewart: But I did not change anything. The drum companies handed out some free shirts . . .

Sting: I'll take them. Trudy! Get your scissors! I have a few more shirts to be distressed.

Stewart: Ashley! Can you get me some of those Tama and Paiste shirts from the other night for Stingo?

[A girl in a low cut purple dress comes out with some shirts. Andy's eyes pop out.]

Sting: Did you lose a contact?

Andy: Just admiring the mascara on Stewart's assistant.

TO BE CONTINUED
Last edited by TheEqualizer on 22 Aug 2007 16:35, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby TheEqualizer on 22 Aug 2007 16:30

Still at Spago

Stewart: So I was wondering, on the second leg of the tour, should we do anything different?

Andy: I was thinking maybe we should play Omegaman.

Sting: Never heard of it. How about this. After the first or second song, I say something like, "It's been 25 years since we last played. I should introduce the band. Andy this is Stewart. Stewart this is Andy."

Stewart: You have been doing tha joke since the press conference at the Whiskey.

Andy: How about Mother? That would be another good song for Stewart to play on his percussion rack.

Sting: I like John Lennon as much as the next guy, but I don't think we should be playing any covers on our tour. Plus, I don't want to be paying any royalties to Yoko.

Stewart: Maybe we could play Bring on the Night.

Sting: I was thinking of that. Maybe we could slow it down. And I was thinking of a new key for it as well.

[Andy rolls his eyes]
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